What the World Really Needs is More Love and Less Paper Work

i dont know.

2011-10-05T22:23:00.002+08:00

i was supposed to do up my resume, but now its 1030 and i feel so tired, emotionally tired to do anything right now.

I feel so drained.

I have nothing to live for right now; other than work and home, i am not going anywhere

and its because i dont find anything interesting anymore

i dont wish to interact with anyone. i guess thats what doing a job that you do not like gets you.

Every second, every day just becomes a drag and torture to me now.

i dont know what got me to this too.

i just know i am so tired from this race and how i wish, how i wish and sincerely pray that i can just leave this place.

But i know that i cant. i really cannot make myself do it without having find another job.

I am really having an internal struggle within myself.

everyday its just a struggle, with nothing to look forward to.

I hate this and i hate myself for this

Getting wrongfully accused of self isolation and whatever nonsense that people can come up with

i know no one can really be there to listen and no one will truly understand how i feel.

How am i going to face my parents when i feel ashamed of myself?

I really need to get myself up.

All the grievances at work; nothing has made me feel so much like running away before.

I cant get over my own barrier, i cant treat someone like a statistic.

I really cannot do this, i really cannot.

i am so tired; just so tired. i need a break from this.

let everything end here.

2011-03-19T21:55:00.002+08:00

lets move on to a new place

tumblr seems like a new place to explore and vent.

sorry i am so damn bitchy now.

www.earlgreytealattehot.tumblr.com

bye greenbean i will miss u

i will come back occassionally to visit.

its not about praying anymore

2011-03-15T23:53:00.002+08:00

11 march, japan had a 9.0 earthquake.

from the moment i learnt of it, i could not concentrate on my lecture at all

i knew the destruction would be great.

i knew they were in it for a disaster

and whats worse, a tsunami had to hit them too.

like what my friend said, u can build earthquake-resistant buildings but you cannot build tsunami resistant buildings.

how true.

and not just buildings that are not resistant, humans are even more not resistant towards disasters that involve water.

i think it is the tsunami that caused so much casualties.

as soon as the tsunami receded, thousands of bodies can be found in miyagi's shore.

what were these people thinking during their last moments of their lives when they thought they had a glimmer of hope to survive after the earthquake.

how many people lost their families and loved ones?

how many of them have to build their homes from scratch again?

how many people of those who died had a bright future in front of them?

i am affected by the earthquake.

and i think affected would be an understatement.

i really worry for them.

i really worry for their safety, their health and whether they have enough food, electricity to get by.

i am so scared.

i have never doubted the power of mother nature.

but why, why japan.

and why even until now, the aftershocks still refuse to stop?

i feel helpless and i feel angry at myself for being unable to do anything

i would do anything to be in japan and just help to save people

and i feel so angry at those insensitive people who says that japan deserve this and they should experience an earthquake of a even greater magnitude than this.

they are totally senseless.

please let everything stop. just stop.

wide awake

2011-03-10T03:13:00.002+08:00

its 315am now and i am still wide awake

i guess its cos of the earl grey tea latte that i drank

or rather, i want myself to be awake.

i guess, if i try hard enough i will be definitely be able to slp cos i know that caffeine dun affect me much.

its lucky that i dun have class tmrw

but am still going back for readings.

decided to be productive instead of nua-ing around at home

class 95 at night is amazing, and its one of the reason why i dun wna be aslp too

it would be great if a cup of coffee/champagne/wine is beside me

this kind of relaxation, peace, letting go hasnt been felt in sometime

i feel so comfortable. can time stop here?

a saying so true

2011-03-05T23:35:00.003+08:00

i guess no one bothers to come and read my blog now
cos i do not update as frequently as the past
and when i do, its so short i sometimes dunno whats the point of me updating
but today i sort of have some points that i want to note down of; something that i have learnt
mid terms are over and now its like the handing in of assignments time?
but come to think of it, i will miss this kind of life once working starts?
humans are just like this, they just want to have something to complain about

anyway, this past few weeks have really made me realised that we humans, will only come to appreciate what we have when we are in a danger of losing it or we have lost it
only then will we attempt to make an effort to change in order to salvage what we can
why must humans take each other for granted?
we really should learn and practise how to cherish each and every single one that makes a difference to our lives
its when the people around us feel unwanted and taken for granted that they will feel like leaving
and once that thought sets in, it will be so hard, so freaking hard to change their mind
i was quite surprised that my junior actually came to talk to me abt the issue
it seems that he really has the heart to change, which was quite a good thing
and i can only hope that i can be a successful peace-maker

again, i became a cynic towards relationships
the only words suitable to describe my view now:
please love me or i'll be gone
i wont wait anymore and be taken for granted
i hate the feeling of being taken for granted
i am super sure that no one likes feeling this way
tmrw i will put up my best front
there are a few ppl that i want to see, ppl like mr chai, steven etc etc
i miss grassroots actually
but tmrw i will put up my best front in front of u

2011-02-27T15:14:00.002+08:00

feels so frustrated from all the nm studying

maybe its not just abt the studying but everything else

i am full of angst and i dun wna blame it on PMS

i know why i am feeling this way

u think u have done nth wrong but i feel u have never done anything right

u think u are showing concern but its miniscule and pathetic

you go away i dun wna talk to u

clearing the weeds

2011-02-25T12:55:00.002+08:00

hello everybody!! i am not gonna go hi-hi!

its recess week and i am back from kyoto!

it was a fun trip

saw for myself the beauty of japan

how cold it can get

and whats worse, falling sick in japan

gonna go back there in dec to look for shelley

tentative timing would be near christmas

and we would be going to disneyland SEA

and this time, i will be in tokyo!!

travelling have never felt so fun!

back to my boring readings

the new year

2011-02-07T00:06:00.002+08:00

omg, i actually forgot abt this place!!

must have been too busy! how can green bean slip my mind??

Had a great cny up till now

2 reunion dinner then alot of visitings and visitings and mahjong

Japan trip in 11 days time..

i hope it will be fun!!

and i think i am not prepared to accept anyone yet

my heart is still closed

dun ask me for my secrets, i hate it

my big bun

2011-01-28T09:10:00.002+08:00

all right, smth to write before going to my readings.
there is a field study to Japan in May 2011
initially wanted to go very much cos i have taken the green nation mod before and it really looks interesting
however, thinking abt it, it shouldnt be a good choice
since i will alr be going in 3weeks time and another time in dec to look for shell
1 year go Japan 3 times meh?? HAHAHA
though i would really love to be in dr chris's class again but still....
i really should start focusing on my work
the fact that its my last sem really STILL puts me in my holiday mood
looking at it, i am amazed by my pea-sized intelligence
instances where i can still fail my test when its an open book
and rushing for assignments last min for the entire night
this time, hopefully i will be able to graduate smoothly
its the last graduation that i am going to attend!
from PSLE to O levels to A Levels to now, finally its ending
a whole new chapter in life (((((((:

巨蟹座的内心世界

2011-01-24T00:48:00.001+08:00

i saw this on weibo, 90% accurate u know!

经常看到别人把巨蟹座描述得很悲观，很感性，很不可理喻。而其实，巨蟹还有很多不是每个人都看得到的东西。身为巨蟹，我自认为看得清自己，看得清巨蟹。

　　感性，不置可否。通常是喜极而泣，悲极却选择沉默。巨蟹的眼泪总是牺牲于感动、悲悯和伤心，而一旦真的深切伤到了她，她就变成气愤，变得歇斯底里，就忘了掉眼泪了。

　　巨蟹太敏感，她总是能在一群人中首先察觉谁谁并不像表现那样高兴，谁对谁有意思，谁们关系不菲。她容易受外界环境的影响，往往一个不经意的画面或话语都能让她反复思考和回味半天。外人会觉得她总是没来由的高兴，再没来由的黯然神伤。

　　巨蟹很矛盾，她喜欢有主见的人，帮她安排好一切，而却又不见得完全满意别人的安排，质疑这质疑那，最后还是按自己的意愿行事(可能还因此伤到别人了)。巨蟹充分体现着她强烈的母性，喜欢宠溺她认为的小朋友们，然而她本身又异常渴望卸下包袱享受别人的宠溺和呵护。

巨蟹一般脾气都很好，但只限于不是很熟的人。在对待特别的人，如亲人、男朋友，她就异常任性，喜欢撒娇，喜欢别人时刻呵护的感觉，一旦没有达到自己想要的那样，就容易发脾气、情绪暴躁。但巨蟹不记仇，一次争吵，只要你不是太冷言相向，只要你稍微哄一下，5分钟她就可以忘记刚才发生了什么事。

　　巨蟹很容易对擦身而过的人动心，因为那些自己第一印象很好的人对巨蟹来说相当有魅力。但欣赏归欣赏，不要跟巨蟹说，我们交往试试吧。对恋爱，巨蟹的原则是宁缺勿滥，她喜欢天长地久的恋爱，她认为他可以给她足够的安全感才会走到一起。另一方面，巨蟹太内敛、太矜持、太保守，对于自己喜欢的东西很少会主动去争取，她总等着别人先迈出第一步，然后自己才乐此不疲屁颠屁颠的去奉献自己的所有。感情里，巨蟹总是太怕自己是受伤的那个，所以一旦势头不对，她就把自己层层伪装起来，告诉对方别得意，她并不是那么爱他，甚至恶言相向。和之前那个温柔、体贴的人简直判若两人。而其实，她只是害怕而已。

　　巨蟹其实还很幽默，如果她肆无忌惮的跟你耍宝，说明她觉得你们可以亲密无间了；巨蟹也会很理智，她可能会时常不经意去怀念，可是不值得的感情她不会让自己苦苦沦陷其中。

　　巨蟹经常会说“我觉得”“我想”，她喜欢用她敏锐的第六感来告诉别人她丰富的想法和感情。巨蟹不喜欢复杂的环境，她喜欢呆在安静的地方做她喜欢的事，喜欢跟志同道合的人组成一个小圈子自娱自乐。

蟹蟹还是很可爱的，她善良、乖巧、体贴、不计较、会细心的记住好朋友的生日。她或许多愁善感，可是她仍然会在最难过时给你微笑。如果你喜欢巨蟹，请不要在她面前表现得轻佻，不要期待她主动给你爱的信号，不要在她面前批评你的家人。她会喜欢在她心情不好的时候，你耐心的听她无厘头的原因；会喜欢你关注她的文字和内心世界；会渴望你像家人般的包容她的小任性。

what do you want to tell me?

2011-01-19T00:04:00.001+08:00

was so easily irritable today and all did not stop until i started teaching tuition

not my usual self at all, if any service staff did smth wrong no matter how minor, i'm very sure i will flare like mad shit

i could really like literally feel PMS

the raging hormones in my body, telling me that the week of the month is gonna be here anytime soon

i really wanted to stop my irritable self from popping out, but i really cannot help myself

i feel so easily provoked and on the other hand i wanted to provoke others as well

weird rite.. i know...

my full timetable is alr out

more free time this sem cos there is no more language mod

i really am frightened of language mod alr!!

i will be preparing reunion dinner for my family!!

of course it will be edible and nice

just hoped that all will be smooth sailing and i dun get any cuts and burns and bruise and whatever!!

loving to cook now and wna learn more, thats why this pioneer project.. HAHAHA

something to look fwd to~ gotta start thinking abt what to cook!!

2011-01-16T11:49:00.002+08:00

i am staying in kyoto tower hotel

shelley say its a damn chio hotel

looking forward!!! 18 feb!

30 more days!!! ^^

a lesson learnt

2011-01-12T23:43:00.003+08:00

some people will love you for what you are

and some, will love you who you are

figure that out, and you know the superficiality of words

cos you are amazing

2011-01-11T23:56:00.003+08:00

nobody can beat this

nobody can beat you

nobody can beat us

every time is as enjoyable and pleasant

you are my firework

2011-01-10T23:21:00.002+08:00

hello everyone, how has everyone been?

hope everyone has been good

its just 10 days into the new year!

school has just started, went for my first lecture today

and am already having difficulties to put in my tuition slots already even without the tutorials yet!!

as i am quite picky abt timing as well, it makes it all the more difficult

for eg, i dun like to put tuitions on weekends, and classes usu end on late afternoons which i cant have lessons in the morning as the kids have class and having it at night would usu mean that they are tired

after putting in all the tutorials, i think i would have a 5day week, instead of a 4day one that i initially will have

anw, some happy news to share

lets just make this a happy and meaningful post shall we?

the first good thing that happen today

I SAW MRT SAN!!!

that itself is a good thing for me only.. hahahaha

wanted to see him in the morning but as my sotong illness had a major relapse, i missed him and i should really be glad that i make it to lesson just in time cos i had to go home for freaking four times to get all my things

lucky no class is at 8am, if not i should just go and kill myself

saw him when i was on the way back to go plaza and eat dinner with my parents!

so glad that i didnt got onto the squeezy mrt at clementi and waited for the next one which unexpectedly 'contained' him

so surprising!! but what a nice surprise!!

yes, i am that easily satisfied with things that have caught my attention

last weekend saw me being the emcee for the edusave awards

2 days, 4 sessions, was enough to make me extremely drained especially at the last session

but overall, it was really fun and a good learning experience

other than the initial nervousness, i dun really have any stage fright

i like emcee-ing actually

and i think i make a pretty good one, judging from the comments that mr liang and mr chai

i really have learnt alot from them

and this edusave ceremony has actually allowed me to know them, esp mr chai better

thanks for sending me home after every session!

and his jokes, never fail to make me laugh like a mad woman

i think i am such a different person on stage and when i am off stage

saw some cc staff staring at me in disbelief when he saw me treating my helpers when i asked them to help me with some stuff

yes, we or i operate that way

i am not the dunno-how-to-shout woman

in fact when i need to, i can be even louder than a guy. oops

must constantly remind myself to be lady like.. lolll

i am grateful for the opportunities that they have given me and be a grl

i like to serve and i want to serve

with ppl like them around, who wouldnt??

another good news: i am going to japan in feb!!

going to kyoto!! one of my dreams has been fulfilled

i am going to buy so many keychains and all the whatever flavoured kitkat that they have there

today i just ate one that shelley bought: a japanese soya sauce kitkat

so cool rite!!

and i am just going to take a good break, away from school, friends, the one i love to enjoy the scenery!!! thats my idea of a relaxing holiday, not one that is cramped full of shopping

i seriously hope i wont lose my way!!!

take care ppl.. i am looking fwd to feb

cos it has cny and my japan trip ^^

等你爱我

2011-01-03T12:55:00.002+08:00

2weeks hiatus and i am back!!!

guess i am too lazy to talk abt anything

but since wq says to at least blog abt smth......

anwwww, this, no, last year has been an eventful year

esp the first six months, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, quarrels, immaturity and everything bad

but when u have gone to the lowest, the only way to go next is up

the past few months have been better

esp with the family part, friends too

i am grateful for the people that have been through all these with me

so many memories this year

eventful, yes but memorable too

i would say that i have grown after everything that has happened (this sounds so shameless) but

and life is all about growing and learning to become a better person

2011, i dun really have resolutions

because i know i am not a make resolution then will realise it that kind of person

honestly speaking i dun really make plans

i have always told my friends that i dunno how i made it through my education path to uni

10 years ago, i wouldnt even dream that i will be a NUS Year 3 student

and the most exciting thing is its my LAST semester

and then i will be a working adult...

there are many things that i want to accomplish this year

lets hope i can do it

here's to a good year ahead of us

we shall hope for nothing for the best

off to see moe and JET website

535

2010-12-20T00:39:00.002+08:00

i organised a walk successfully today
at least i didnt disappoint chairman or my loyal and beloved helpers
just hoped that they can take this chance to bond
i organized this event not for myself but for others
actually met with alot of difficulties during the organizing part with finding people being the most difficult challenge
but ultimately, we made it, thanks to my helpers too
what can i do without them??
i hope and really hope that they can find their purpose to serve too
and not stray away from us too
thanks to those who have come, i love u all.. muacks muacks muacks

sometimes i think i am too heartless/cold-hearted/unfeeling
as long as i dun have feelings for u, nothing u do will seem to make things help
its not that i am not touched abt u being there for me and such
but we can only be friends, and nothing more
if u are hoping that something will turn out more, i think given my current viewpoint, it is quite impossible
furthermore, u know too much about me
i dunno what u feel about me is due to whatever reason that arise
i am stubborn in love i admit
falling for the wrong one and such
but that does not mean that i will make u into another substitutes
i think i have hurt enough
and even though the other has progression, i dun think it will continue for long
even if something really happens btw us, i think we wont last for long too
i see differences that can lead to potential problems
i know abt the fact tat we can work these differences out
but right now, maybe my heart still wants to be alone
and let things run their course
we shall see

2010-12-16T01:13:00.002+08:00

sometimes i am just mad crazy

one small action is enough to make me feel happy like crazy

and at other times tt small action just cant measure up

read some horoscope thingy tt seems to be quite accurate though funny

for example i am second place in making my career and love life work simultaneously

i m the most temperamental horoscope

and i like to hug my blanket when i am aslp (actually true)

and i rate 5 stars on my blurness

quite nonsense but good mind boggling stuff tt i read

have been busy with tuition and meeting up

gonna enjoy my hols before sch starts

anw i was damn lucky cos i spun $80 sushi voucher at ichiban!!!

havent been getting tt for quite some time alr!

lady luck just came so unexpectedly but it was a good surprise!

i do count my blessings

2010-12-12T01:39:00.002+08:00

i am back from vietnam!!

the retreat was fun, got to know more people and had the chance to be with people that i wasnt close to

other than fun, of course there are some thoughts abt this as well

since being in another place really makes u think abt home and abt other stuff as well

anw, one of the most irritating thing in the world had to happen: flight delay

due to real bad conditions which i think was caused by the fog

our plane was delayed from 115 to 6pm

they were all talking about writing in a complaint letter since the service was real sucky

and smth unpleasant had to happen when we were waiting for the bus to fetch us home

let us not hang dirty linen in public, whoever knows knows

2218km away from home

i really could feel what singapore had and do not have as compared to vietnam

and i feel all the way more blessed for the things that singapore have

that is what i think most of them brought back with them too

i am grateful for the fact that i am born in singapore and not any other place else

i dun think i can live there for a day without my twitter, fb, laptop, wifi, msn, 3G, iPhone, TV, accessibility

i dun think i can stand having little imported goods like mac, starbucks, whatever

i think globalization has gotten the better of me

u can think that i am princess but once u go there, u really can see the difference

though i really love the weather there as it is much cooler than singapore

i think i would want to feel hotter if i can get to choose again

but i really thank the guide for introducing her country to us

it is really beautiful and she did a great job

i feel so shagged out but i have to go hang my clothes

shall wait till mum is back before mi knock out, shall go to read my newspaper

i hav been so outdated with singapore

with a grateful heart

2010-12-05T15:18:00.002+08:00

hi all, its been a long time
*wonders if you have been checking if i have updated*
have so much things to talk abt and i guess this will be a long one
cos i finally have a chance to sit down and really think abt what i want to write
its been a long three weeks...

exams are over like finally
alot of people tell me that i am more hardworking than last sem
have i been? i do not know
maybe i am more focused, not that distracted
or i am just using school work as a distraction to work the unhappiness off
i dunno, there are always two sides to a coin
but after this sem, i realise i really cannot take science modules
they are a torture, especially the calculations and i am so gonna steer clear right out of their paths

a good news to share, actually i have been giving tuition to a boy
his exam results are quite good so his dad wants me to continue giving him tuition and whats better is that i am to teach him chinese as well!
dun ask me how i am going to do it, when there is a will there is a way
moreover, i find joy in helping people; whether i get paid or not is another story
if not i wouldnt be serving in community service
and i have one more student now, its my aunt's son
though i will have to be going to amk every week, i am glad that i am of help to him
hope he can improve his chinese with my help

mum and the 2 sisters are going to Turkey for a holiday
leaving me and dad at home
i am not sure if i can survive together with him
we are just like 2 meteroids that if we clash, fires will sure burst out from everywhere
ya, thats how hot-tempered we are.
as for me, i am going to Vietnam from 8-12
then after that, will be tuition and home for me
yup, life is that boring but for me, it means peace
and whats wrong with having a peaceful life even if it means u are alone most of the time?
i am contented with my family, my friends and i love myself
if God didnt give me an exciting life, at least he gave me a peaceful one
which i think is better cos my heart is weak.. haha
yes, issues do pop up at times but i guess thats what being normal entails
u know what, i just want to be healthy and happy
as u grow, these 2 things becomes more and more important than love itself

perhaps i should explain myself why i serve in community service
i serve because i like to help people, doing things for people and seeing them happy
organizing events and then seeing the fruits of it, it makes me feel a sense of achievement
no matter how little people there are
i am not in it because some people are, that was not my initial reason for joining at all
and although the people there gives an added bonus for me to go, its not everything
and mind you, i have been in events where certain people are not there and i still go because i know i can help, in one way or another
and before that, i was in another committee alone
you know my history and yet u insult my purpose of serving
although it can be meaningless to you, it is not meaningless to me
i have found purpose in me serving, i guess you have not

i changed to an iphone for long term considerations
hope its worth it
i love the people that have been with me all these while, through ups and down
willing to listen and willing to be there and most of it all, willing to help
you are the one that add sparkles to my peaceful (nicely put) and boring life
i love you all.. muacks

all i want for Christmas is you.

2010-11-25T10:30:00.003+08:00

Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all. Maybe that’s what it all comes down to.

I NEED TO GET MY ASS DOWN TO STUDYING MY MASS MEDIA!!!
TOMORROW AND I WILL BE MORE FREEEEEEEEEEEE
IPHONE HERE I COMEEEEEE, WAIT FOR MEEEEE
THE STUDYING STARTS NOW
MOVIES AND FOOD, I WILL COME FOR YOU TOO!
I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE HIGHLY APPRECIATED BY ME!

mirror

2010-11-24T00:00:00.002+08:00

aixia says:

both sides have to be very understanding

if not its hard to continue

funny how i can advise others but i can never do it

if not everything will be so much easier

went expo to collect tt darn stand chart race pack

next time they should have collection at bpp

then th ppl staying at the east will know my pain of travelling

and MUST make them sit LRT! lol

and the worst thing was, i went ALONE.

venturing into unknown frontier is not a small thing ok!

felt like i was in Amazing Race, with no time limit and no prize -.-"

utterly a waste of time!

but had a very great dinner at bedok with a friend staying in bedok

made everything worth it though i went home late

he never fail to make me laugh

mass media exam on fri

so screwed; so dead

i am dying for th third time on friday ^^

life sucks

2010-11-22T09:29:00.003+08:00

i hope i can change my lok-kok phone tmrw!!

so troublesome..

laj and green nation paper today and tmrw

somebody help me to study please!!!

so sick and tired of things

maybe its cos i do not have any motivation to work towards to i guess

so lazy...

how i wish time can just stop still now and i no need to take exam~!

holidays, i want u!!!

Passion is always a mystery and unaccountable, and unfortunately there is no doubt that life does not spare its purest children and often it is just the most deserving people who cannot help loving those that destroy them.

empty.

2010-11-14T01:22:00.002+08:00

i feel extremely restless

i am so torn, i dunno what to do to make things better

i want to make things feel right again

but i cant, i cant cross my own hurdle

to know of the pain, the misery, the unhappiness

everything just stops me from going further

but yet, i still cant seem to let you go

there were happy times as well

how i wish, we could go back to how things were when it first started

but time moves on, things change and most importantly, people change

you do not have the same patience with me anymore

and i am not as understanding that i was before

from th start till the end, i have never once felt that what i was asking for was too much

you were the one that could not give.

so now, i will shut myself out.

if i had you

2010-11-12T00:13:00.001+08:00

i am a happy girl because i saw mrt san today!!!!

i am so elated

takes away all my tiredness

lollllll

2010-11-06T21:42:00.002+08:00

i really miss u

esp after ytd, i miss u more

i really want to meet u, but i know i cant

after ytd, i know what u can give was irreplaceable

but i guess, i wont be feeling like that for a long time

the feeling that i had when i am with u

it wont come back anymore i guess

i thought i could be free from u if i am with another one

but its not working

cos my mind is still full of u

how u feel, how u speak, how u smile

just everything abt u, its making me unable to work/focus

i know, u gave me what u could in ur best ability

but it just wasnt enough for me

now i feel so guilty when i see u

mercedes

2010-11-04T23:49:00.002+08:00

went to club ytd with bird, xav, khoonhua and michelle

tried rebel for the first time

not bad, but not my type, i still prefer attica more

old preferences die hard huh. haha

as usual, what happens in a club stays in a club

knowing other guys is cool, but i guess there is still something lacking in what i wan in a guy

something just doesnt feel right, maybe there is no connection

thanks for everything that u have done ytd, i appreciate it

and to xav they all, i know u want to give me a chance

but maybe not now cos mindef is at work... hahaha

what has the society become of?

2010-11-02T00:06:00.003+08:00

the recent teenagers scare me, and perhaps should shake up some attention of the policy makers

teenagers nowadays increasingly turn to violence to resolve their issues

with singapore being so prosperous, why are teenagers still so dissatisfied with society?

the recent case of the 19yearold being stabbed to death by gangsters and the 20yearold who allegedly killed 3 random women disturbs me

how can the gangsters who kill be so proud of what they have done?

and how can anyone just decide that they want to kill anyone anyhow?

dun they realise that they are ruining the victim's life as well as their family members of the victim and the culprit?

why are ppl getting less forgiving nowadays?

the pain that they feel, i feel it too

the bright future of a young man who can achieve so much, and women whose child is not even old enough to take care of themselves.

dun they feel a tinge of guilt at all??

please dun make the society so warped and let the law deal with them harshly.

they deserve it.

好き

2010-11-02T00:01:00.002+08:00

my new wallpaper!

very cute rite???? (say yes i dun care)

i do one okay!!!!

who do you want?

2010-10-31T18:48:00.005+08:00

i have so much that i want to say

and so much that i cant say

there is no anger that can last forever with the one you love

because you value the relationship, other things dun seem to matter as much

but why isit that people do not know how to treasure what they have??

i think i took you for granted

and because i am used to getting what i want, i flared when u cant give it to me.

there has to be a certain something to keep a relationship going, i dun think that raw feelings alone are enough to sustain something so fragile and in need of protection, love, care and concern

we tend to forget the good and only remember the bad

and sometimes, i am just too rash, too impetuous

i know i cant force things but i wish that you can be more proactive

please give me a hint of any sort?? otherwise, i will leave

lets hope i dun make a mistake

why am i so distracted by you?

i dun get it.

emotive.

2010-10-31T10:33:00.002+08:00

this place is going to be dead if i dun put more effort into nurturing my greenbean

certain issues have been bugging me of late

not that it is affecting my work

but the fact that it has not achieved any resolutions yet bugs me

(this post i wan msng to see, but i am not sure if he still sees it as new cf)

i know i am being stubborn, selfish, unforgiving, childish, immature

and i know that i should have started talking long ago

but really, i dunno what is stopping me

i have talked to nnd and cytan abt this

but i cant make the step out

i cant be like cytan and cast my heart into cement

cos u 3 are more impt to me

i miss all th times that we had, esp ctan

which this also means, i miss royal family

i really do not know what to do

if being with someone means being happy

then i guess i am not ready to be with anybody yet

cos my unhappiness will make the other party unhappy as well

then one would wonder why be together in the first place rite?

what if u were only unhappy in the process and its alr too late to put a stop to it

if i am only happy when i meet you, then logically speaking, i will be unhappy if i cant meet u rite?

you said that i am forever changing, that i am not constant

maybe i am too temperamental for u

maybe i am still too childish

i need to reflect on myself.

i am just being an independent girl now

2010-10-20T22:54:00.003+08:00

so many things yet to be done

why am i always blogging abt work anw?

cos i think other than school, there is nth else in my life? haha...

other than looking fwd to running, swimming and this sat for ren's friend perf at clarke quay

nth seems worth mentioning!!!

life is too mundane!

oh, i got a good grade for my green nation mod assignment!!! i am a happy girl now!

spinelli's seared salmon with bacon sandwich is so oishii!!! but its tearing a hole in my pocket.. haha

anw, arts upper deck indo food is damn nice can!!! finally, smth good to crave for!

hope i can finish up all the work by this week!

readings as usual ): (2 remaining for this week and i have not counted in this week's)

eason chan concert essay for som (needs to be handed in by sat so by hook or by crook)

mass media intro

alt lives paper

green nation paper + presentation

so soon, th sem is coming to an end

so soon, i wont have dr chris's lessons anymore!!!! ): ):

NUS is becoming a haven for bubble tea business =p

what seems finished is not

2010-10-12T12:53:00.002+08:00

ok, rmb th post abt my aim to finish my green nation and alt lives homework?
that is done, like last fri.
there was a mid term test today on my worst topic: physics
that is down as well, luckily it was an open book which made it more manageable
whats not done???

alt lives webcast for elearning week
readings for alt lives, mass media and green nation (OMGGGGGGGG, SO MANNNYYYY)
green nation homework and reading due tmrw (FREAKING 5% OF MY GRADE)
i am gonna sit down and be a good girl and do my work cos i like dr chris's lessons!!
and from now on, i shall go to my Science of Music lectures!
i cant understand anything now.. BOOOO!

and eason's new album is coming out!!!
he is so good!!!
can he be my husband???

north face 2010

2010-10-09T16:26:00.002+08:00

ok, this post was supposed to be posted earlier in the afternoon but i was too tired
and i am even more tired now but i have to post it or i will forget what i want to say
i went for north face for the 2nd time although knowing how tough it would be
yeah, humans are just like this. 死性不改
but i guess, this year's nf actually held more learning points for me than last year
this year, i did entirely on my own; not tt xav didnt come but last year, he walked with me for the later half of the journey so we were doing it tgt
but this year, cos there was a change in route, we couldnt meet each other at any point at all.
and for th first time, i really get to enjoy one of the greatest pleasure of running: learning to focus.
it got to the point where my mind just shutted out everything and it was just between the route and me.
my mp3 was switched off shortly the race started because even the music had became noise.
and as i was trying so hard to get through the course, it suddenly occurred to me that life is like a race.
and what is so special abt this race is that it didnt matter so much if i win or lose, but rather, that i had really tried my best.
i got the medal in the end, which is the greatest consolation ever.
i really thank the people who helped me get through the downhill terrain cos i was afraid of falling
and the guys that were there when i nearly fainted cos of the heat.
with you guys around, it made me feel the humanity in races, that i wasnt so lonely at all.

aim for today

2010-10-07T16:27:00.001+08:00

finish my green nation and alt lives homework
gosh, e learning week has its down side too!

i don't want to turn back time

2010-10-06T00:13:00.002+08:00

a relationship is something that is special; shared btw 2 person
i wont say that it is strictly limited to a guy and girl
cos we all know that not all things are absolute
i am no relationship expert
sometimes, i think i am a relationship coward
no, i am not being emo or anything
perhaps, i am still stuck in the traditional era where i feel that guys should take the initiative
to me, there are still certain things that no matter how modern/globalised we are, a girl should not do.
i know that my thinking might be outdated
and i really really admire girls that have the courage to go for what they want in love
no sarcasm intended.
i didnt have the guts to fight for what i want in sec sch and now, i dunno how to be pushy
i sometimes will still wonder how it would be like if i could be a little more brave
and its true about the saying that "what if" is the question that you should not ask.

seeing my friends having found "the one"
i will wonder when it can be my turn
some of my viewpoints have changed, and i am not the girl that i was even last year.
i am not rushing or anything
right now, even though i dun have anyone
i am still grateful for the friends that are around me
always so concerned, and willing to lend a hand to me
i am also thankful for the lessons that the guys have given me
merbin, ctan, cytan, they have taught me alot of things in the guy's world
(not just abt hail marys)
i am grateful for the lessons that God has taught me
its not just abt good lessons, but bad lessons as well
maybe someday, i will pick up my bible again.

有缘无份

2010-10-05T23:45:00.002+08:00

坟前没有花容我拨开沙土用眼泪种些吧
长埋是你吗何以未讲一声就撇下我回答吧
上次匆匆一别还约了结伴去共你遇上那道桥
约定了改不了纵使到此时你的心不再在跳
共你快将相会了重回那一秒

如何回到当时犹如情侣热恋的那时
记忆可以幻作一对蝴蝶飞舞在时光深处
荼薇红过都变枯枝血肉之躯会没法保持
唯独春天可以给记住

楼台又架起含笑洞悉生死越过另有天地
长眠没有起时间若推不翻就化蝶去游故地
六尺荒土之下还有你约定了下世共我更传奇
最后那一口气吐出我当时未讲的一句爱你
顿觉遍体轻如会飞

如何回到当时犹如情侣热恋的那时
记忆可以幻作一对蝴蝶飞舞在时光深处
荼薇红过都变枯枝血肉之躯会没法保持
蝴蝶苦恋花那魂魄也愿意

如何回到当时拿回时间逆转的钥匙
记忆可以纵使此际神伤不已亦曾经春至
凡人无法听见的诗种在心中万劫不移我知

如何回到当时犹如情侣热恋的那时
记忆可以幻作一对蝴蝶飞舞在云海深处
荼薇红过都变枯枝血肉之躯已没有意思
灵魂也可以共处

2010-10-01T16:50:00.002+08:00

i wonder how we will turn out

for good? or will we eventually lose contact again, like how we did

u said i have changed alot, in terms of appearance

of course i have

i strongly believe that the aixia that existed was strongly different from who she is now

and not to mention character and personality wise

i dunno if i should trust u

or trust myself and put my heart right into this

there is no guarantee; no promise that all will be well

i am uncertain, walking on a thin thread

and i am afraid of getting hurt once again

so i will try to contain and control myself

i am not at the age where i can like unreservedly anymore

ほしい

2010-10-01T14:33:00.002+08:00

情人的眼泪可能累了

2010-09-27T00:08:00.002+08:00

所以想找个好归宿

2010-09-26T01:17:00.002+08:00

i am genuinely angry at you for making me feel this way

you have no right to you coward

i swear you will regret making me so angry

and that when i see you, you will really pay for what you did

what a simple apology could solve, you did not do it

since you dislike apologies and admitting to your mistake

i will make you sorry forever.

you will regret stepping on my tail and getting on my nerves

damn it you bastard.

悲しそう

2010-09-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

if i could be a little more courageous

if i could be a little more independent

if i could be a little more understanding

if i could be a little less jealous

if i could be a little less demanding

if i could be a little less unreasonable

我用尽所有方式找个人给我安慰

度过寂寞的黑夜

我问守护的天使也许他能够体会

这无助让我好累

走到无路可退我还能相信谁？

用多少天用多少年的跌跌撞撞才找到终点

用多少伤痛的心爱才不离开身边

用多少谎言去掩饰彼此的不完美

要用多少个世纪让我看透一切。

疲れたが。。。

2010-09-19T23:55:00.002+08:00

went out today with my juniors

gosh they make me feel so old when they are only 16 and 14 years old!

when i was feeling tired just now, smth occurred to me

i cant really tell why but i feel like it was on purpose that the sms was not replied

i do not know why, maybe its cos i know u have the habit of doing that

but i dun wish to accuse u or base my judgments on baseless assumptions

so lets take it that my intention to start a conversation was not reciprocated

on the other hand, i am shocked at ur sms

my friend told me that this meant that i am a lucky and desirable girl

does it really mean that way??

i dun think so. lets just see how things goes cos i dun wna go through the same thing again

sometimes how do u gauge what a man wants is not just the physical?

maybe i am too prejudiced against guys. pardon me.

认真的男人最迷人

2010-09-19T02:07:00.002+08:00

i went to eason's concert today ^^

didnt bear to leave until it really was the end

he sang 3 more songs for encore, which ended everything nicely

his voice was in tip-top condition as compared to the one in HK

i guess, its different when you really hear a person sing live

it was a good evening spent with my prince

七百年后，he said he will still be my prince and i his princess, how sweet

we will still be one happy royal family tgt with king and queen! (:

the songs that he sang were moving, most of them being cantonese

nobody wanted to leave at the end and he had to ask us to

and honestly speaking, some songs that he sang were actually better than the original singer!

i want to go his concert again!

ちょっと変

2010-09-17T00:18:00.002+08:00

watched densha otoko today

its so funny!!!

i think i will start chasing the drama

since recess week is starting soon too

and 12 eps will be fast for me to finish!

anw, i will be spending lantern festival with eason chan!!!

that spells HAPPINESS AND BLISS

i told my friend i can die without regrets now since i have watched andy and eason's concert..lolll

ある物は大変で、難しいです。

でも、今一生懸命でしている。

たぶん疲れたと思うけど、もう一度チャンスをあげるがほしい。

実は、あなたは私の一番大切な人だよ。

話さないので、あなたはわからないでしょう。

どうしてあなたが好き課、わはらない。

将来のために、一緒に頑張りましょう。

土曜日　楽しみね

2010-09-16T00:30:00.002+08:00

havent been here for a few days

homework has been good, all my proposals have been given the green light ^^

but there is a midterm tmrw!!! should really get my ass down to studying.. hahaha

i finished my 2nd 21km!

so happy for myself

next up is north face

omg, its so scary

anw, things that have happened with friends and ppl close to me has made me realised that human relationships are very fragile

just when u think that things are stable and never going to change

catastrophes will happen which if we aren't strong enough, it will break us

and what is the most disappointing would be the fact that we are actually less than gossips

words are indeed a powerful to destroy and hurt

there are certain things that i have been thinking for the past week

something that i have always thought abt but didnt have the heart/courage to do so

sometimes i really feel so useless with myself

why cant i be more brave? why must i be so reliant?

and why must i complain when i cant make things happen the way i want it?

whats keeping me up is things that will happen AFTER my LAJ midterms

running, swimming and most importantly

EASON CHAN'S DUO CONCERT AT INDOOR STADIUM!!!

i am getting the shivers of excitement from thinking abt it

and whats making it better is i am going with the friends that are closest to my heart

thats what is going to make this week so great

木纹

2010-09-16T00:29:00.000+08:00

何韵诗-木纹
曲︰张继聪
词︰黄伟文

如果一手锯开枯树木不会发现痛
不过日日浇水的我觉得被挖空
如果必须结束关系难扮成从未栽种
让我数著年轮这些年轮我的心会痛 wo~
毕竟那段如沐春风
早刻进百年长的信
在信中圈圈紧扣情感多深厚
前因非因错种

分开简单抹去往事极难
几多温馨烛光晚餐
难以用斧头一劈叫画面飞散
伴侣没了记忆会为患
倚星细语抱月夜谈
历历在目录下年监
来年树倒身影孤烟花散
年轮未可推翻化不~淡

缘悭但是人非草木并不会太易惯
刻个木造的心给我痛苦未会减
情愿旧事连根一拔忘灭如燃尽的炭
但我数著年轮几圈年轮已经湿了眼 wo~
分手与又平复之间
少不过百年零一晚
就怕翻风的一晚回首贪一眼
回忆急速扩散

分开简单抹去往事极难
几多温馨烛光晚餐
难以用斧头一劈叫画面飞散
伴侣没了记忆会为患
倚星细语抱月夜谈
历历在目录下年监
来年树倒身影孤烟花散
年轮未可推翻化不~淡

就怕新婚的一晚临终贪一眼
徒添几分慨叹
分开简单抹去往事极难
几多温馨烛光晚餐
难以用斧头一劈叫画面飞散
伴侣没了记忆会为患
倚星细语抱月夜谈
历历在目录下年监
来年树倒身影孤烟花散
年轮未可推翻化不~淡

不要惊动爱情

2010-09-16T00:21:00.003+08:00

郑秀文 - 不要惊动爱情
曲: 欧阳业俊词: 高皓正

很想轻抚你所以避开你
宁愿用距离去令你好奇
回避过眼神先偷偷喘气
吩咐手臂放在原地
传闻浪漫太快爱恋都走得快
才会迟迟未步向你
说一世爱护你

情太过汹涌像深海而我却会忍耐
但求来日你醒过来
这份情像翅膀打开
还没有相恋别意外
神教会我等待
待情流像细水才去承诺你
拿一生兑换爱

很心急拥抱所以在祷告
求甜蜜以前带着你漫步
游历过旅途等一天终老
生老病死一起细数
原来慢慢靠近更珍惜这一吻
而我停留是为了你
要给予你护荫

情太过汹涌像深海而我却会忍耐
但求来日你醒过来
这份情像翅膀打开
还没有相恋别意外神教会我等待
待情流像细水才去承诺你
拿一生兑换爱

能为爱恋学习按奈情信寄进心内
但求能学会倚靠神
爱被驯服过更精采
连地老天荒亦不更改时间永远等待
等你情愿那天才去承诺你
无止境那份爱

我用沉默叫醒爱情
你用期待做你反应
继续行近直至开始爱

ふたりがたいへん

2010-09-11T14:19:00.005+08:00

i cant love you like there is no tomorrow

because the end is coming soon

i once thought the best for us

that i could be more understanding and compromise more to your needs

but i did not knew that this meant resignation on my side

which in other words meant that, i will not care or bother with what makes me unhappy with you

but it is not helping at all

because it is slowly eating out what i feel for you

it makes me cynical

and now i have a mountain of doubts of even if what you felt for me was real

it was unfair from the start

but i thought i could make things better

that if i tried hard enough, things would be okay.

but it turns out that i am still just an ordinary girl with limited powers, if i have any to speak of

i thought we were supposed to make things better tgt

but its falling apart

i am falling apart too

"All the years you have waited for them to “make it up to you” and all the energy you expended trying to make them change [or make them pay] kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change . Indeed, they may never change . Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get." -Lewis Smedes

2010-09-06T00:38:00.001+08:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

soulmate

2010-09-06T00:07:00.001+08:00

"who doesn't long for someone to hold,

who knows how to love you without being told"

- and i miss you; terribly.

待っている時

2010-09-03T13:11:00.003+08:00

waiting for chasel to come pick me up for lunch

makes me think about the many things that i have to do

finishing up the proposal that is due tmrw

after which have to teach tuition

and have to finish up a homework for my green nation mod

and another proposal to be handed in next week

and minutes to do

and fried rice paradise to watch with shelley

and cc admin stuff

sigh. how i wish all this can be taken away and filled up with a man..

hahahahahaha

rubbish.

どんな換えるかわからない, 教えてくれない？

2010-09-03T10:52:00.004+08:00

bleeding love

2010-08-31T23:38:00.002+08:00

i m holding back so much it drains me out

i m holding so much in that i am scared that i wont be able to take this

this loneliness, when u are not here with me

why am i so dependent on u?

i want to break free and not feel needy.

teenage dream

2010-08-31T21:58:00.002+08:00

who can make me feel like a teenager again?

who can make my heart race again?

or maybe, who can make me fall in love again?

that sounds so cliche; but i still hope for it

can you?

maybe only you can.

time to go back to my readings

green nation and dr chris! (:

where is my thumbdrive???

2010-08-30T00:20:00.003+08:00

i so want to curse and swear right now

because my pea-sized brain conveniently forgot where i put my beloved thumbdrive

its so damn important because inside has all my readings inside

maybe i should chain it around my neck if i am able to find it

damn it. dabian, kukubird whatever!

damn irritated with myself

luckily i have shelley to send me the readings for tmrw first

according to inception, the movie that i watched today

i hope and pray that someone can put an idea into my head when i am dreaming and tell me where the hell did my thumbdrive go.

i will be in school by 8am i hope

so that i can print the readings and read them

its alot, so i have to go earlier

a proposal to finish by this fri, have already emailed dr. mac to see if the topic that i am doing is fine before i proceed on to think deeper on the topic

well, i have already thought deeper but i would like it to be approved first before i write/plan anything...

oh rite, have to email the cute dr. chris as well about my green nation as well

oh my god. shall do it tmrw night then

and i need to go to jp tmrw to get my screen protector tmrw for my new toy

hope i can get a new pouch for it to call home too

i think i am going out of my mind

one thumbdrive and it is all i need to go bonkers

help.

your love is my drug

2010-08-28T00:21:00.003+08:00

i have never believed in cold war after an argument

i have never believed in anger that last for more than a day

yes, i will be v agitated and say many spiteful things at the time when i am angry

but this is it, get past this and you will be fine

and today, a war that was supposed to break out didnt

i had the choice to make it happen, but i did not

because i did not see the point anymore

what matters is you are here with me

why must we harp on what has already happened and cannot be changed?

ppl say i am easy to coax

i just dun understand why must ppl argue then dun talk for days on end and when everything is well again, there is this awkwardness; or rather a crack

but u need to understand me to know how to reduce my anger and not make it worse

you are one.

will there be another?

i have a new toy today; it will keep me sane and remind me of u

時間表

2010-08-22T19:10:00.002+08:00

i just did not let it show

2010-08-22T00:59:00.003+08:00

went to watch fried rice paradise with xav, ms ang, ziwei and sng today

it was a very funny play.. each character was memorable

its not a bad play to spend a sat night

but too bad, a major technical glitch had to occur at the second part of the play which rendered the musical and had to be cancelled..

and it had to happen at a time where the mayor was the guest of honour..

guess SRT better give us a good compensation cos i still wna catch the ending.. haha

i am so lazy to update my timetable!!!

but i guess it should..

here it is!

i cant find the document!!!

i shall do it again like tmrw..

and there is tuition tmrw!!

i am enjoying tuition more and more

and i was confused just now..

not sure if i still am..

what i should feel and what i should not

what i should say and what i should not

what i should care and what i should not

i know i should not display what i feel on my face but i just cant force myself to show that i am happy and fine??

君は僕のあなたよ！愛

2010-08-18T22:27:00.002+08:00

school has started and i am tired out already

looking at the upcoming papers and tests and assignments that is coming up..

to think that i was even excited that school was starting -.-"

some changes to my timetable cos i cant get the classes that i wanted

thurs actually ends at 7pm! someone just kill me please.. but at least i will have fri free like last sem

will need to do some changes so that i can print out my timetable asap

i feel so lost without it.

most imptly, i need an organiser...

i actually forgot that i need to be at esplanade on sat

and an upcoming run that i have to organise.. ):

green nation class was interesting today..

had a few ideas for my research paper, guess i should email the lecturer asap

since when did i become so hardworking??

mervyn's putiantongqing is coming soon!!!

so excited!!! i wna look good on that day!

but first, i gotta finish teaching tuition):

happy days ahead ppl (:

so much to love, so much to learn

2010-08-13T00:46:00.003+08:00

i just talked to a friend tt i think is close to me

i always confide in him if i have a chance

he made me realised a couple of things

i can be extremely mature and extremely stupid at times

i always contradict myself

i can be a woman at times and a little girl at times

i am demanding and unreasonable in their eyes

i dunno how i work, maybe its true tt i dunno what i want

tt i have gotten lost in looking for what i want

i m so insecure in relationships now tt i dun wna get into any of them

i lost all my faith in love

the clarity of the ugly side of love scares me

because i cant fantasize abt my knight in shining armour anymore

i dun wish to spoil any relationships

i think i am better off alone

i am not fit for anyone to love me

2010-08-10T23:19:00.003+08:00

and once again, i am in love with these things again:

1. dogs

2. hayao miyazaki's animes

there are just some things that u cant do without

i am now thinking of getting a spaniel..

there was once xav told me this

God gave u something and will take away something

no one is perfect

maybe God took away the offspring i was supposed to have and replaced them with dogs instead.

i am not against childbirth

perhaps i dun have any affinity with children

or worst still, i might not even have a husband, a man to love me in the first place

love

2010-08-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

love; in its purest form. is not wrong rite?
it is only wrong when society imposes its views on what it thinks is right and what is wrong
societal''s pressure, social values, social norms
that is why ppl are regarded as abnormal, outcastes, when they refuse to conform to social conventions
but who are we to say that this love is not right, unbecoming and totally out of this world?
all kinds of love should be accepted for what they are
for we can laugh, mock, scorn their love, but we cannot deny them the courage to do something that no one else would readily accept
what's more, they had the heart for each other

2010-08-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

national day dinner

food was ok

i was stunning (oops)

it was a mindblowing night

じゃ、始めましょう！

2010-08-04T15:57:00.002+08:00

yes yes, i know its my third post =p

see the pic for my timetable

imagine how packed it will be if i fail to take up sci of music and take german instead.

keeping my fingers crossed.

问

2010-08-04T13:59:00.002+08:00

谁让你心动
谁让你心痛
谁会让你偶尔想要拥她在怀中
谁又在乎你的梦
谁说你的心事她会懂
谁为你感动
如果女人总是等到夜深
无悔付出青春她就会对你真
是否女人永远不要多问
她最好永远天真为她所爱的人

谁让你心动
谁让你心痛
谁会让你偶尔想要拥她在怀中
谁又在乎你的梦
谁说你的心事她会懂
谁为你感动
只是女人容易一往情深
总是为情所困终于越陷越深
可是女人爱是她的灵魂
她可以奉献一生为她所爱的人

unwell; looking forward

2010-08-02T22:33:00.003+08:00

helllo everyone! how has everything been going on for u so far??
mine has been relatively quiet; cant wait for smth or someone to spice up my life.. haha
have been staying at home ever since work has ended
could have worked more so tt i can have more $$$, but then, the working envt is too bad for me to wna continue working even one more second..

last fri, went to the youth olympic village for a 2day1night stay with xav, faisal, ms ang and the yec ppl..
i called it an atas chalet stay cos we get to experience what the yog athletes will experience even before they are here!
took loads of photos which is currently with xav
tt lazy xav, dun wna upload the pics!
it was quite fun.. alot of free and easy and we even went to watch the combined rehearsal for the opening ceremony at the floating platform!
the rehearsal was good! very exciting and grand, wish i could be there on the day itself..

other than tt, i am currently suffering from a bad bout of stomach flu ):
anything also no appetite.. sigh..
hope i can be better by wed to eat dinner with cy tan..
otherwise, i will be in such agony!!
fri i am gna go tanning with xav before our meeting!
looking forward to all these before sch officially starts!
and will i be able to go out with u tmrw?

i felt like i have left for a long time

2010-07-30T00:16:00.002+08:00

dunno why, i have this feeling tt today is fri though its just thurs..
bought my shades today!! happy happy!!
went dinner the day before with bin and chasel
got my spongebob and my bear... they really super nice to me..
i feel so sweet.. haha

anw, going to Youth Olympic Village tmrw for Stay and Play programme
hope it will be fun!
will take loads of pictures!
sms me ppl, i scared i will be bored...
and i will miss u and bin...

confused

2010-07-26T23:30:00.003+08:00

what i want is what u dun wan
what u dun wan is what i want
confusing? yes, indeed it is
honestly speaking, i do not know what i want
i still want to continue playing with u, making fun of u
i still want to talk rubbish with u because u are the bin
but then, i dunno why, there is this unexplainable moodiness
is it jealousy after i saw that photo?
i dunno what i am jealous abt too
i know i am being unreasonable cos queen has tried speaking up for u
but i refuse to see anything beyond what i am feeling
maybe u are right, i am unreasonable princess.

and the other man, why have u not come online yet?
a day of not talking and u are not online despite promising me?
what am i waiting for??

hope

2010-07-25T23:13:00.002+08:00

one community walk was a mess
too much cock up everywhere..
but luckily, its my last event
and i wont be working until the next school holidays
the friendships tt i have built up these few mths when i work will prove valuable..

school is starting soon
hoping to have another kind of spicing up to my life
its getting boring...
when will i see my spring and the flowers bloom??
i am just being nonsensical again

leaving

2010-07-24T11:17:00.002+08:00

tues will be my last day...
i am so happy abt it
finally can stop work and then go back to sch to print out all the readings before sch starts
and whats best is my sch will only start from the week where tutorial starts!
so shiok can.. more time for me to rest!
i am thinking of taking german to complete my modules
but i really scared i will die
my laj not doing very good also.. how??!!!

2010-07-19T21:53:00.002+08:00

will you not do wrong things if you are not near the source of temptation?
i dont know, this is the feeling my friend gave me..
i dont know how he feels
and i am not the new ch****
its a delicate balance between what is right and what is wrong.
he was right in saying that initially i didnt really care abt him
i dunno what brought abt the change too
but what i can say now is i like being with him
and he is the first out of the three guy friends

ST water chase

2010-07-18T12:14:00.002+08:00

ytd was paper chase but it didnt happen
cos the rain was too heavy for us to hold the race at all.
those who know me will know what i think abt this issue.
even if the rain stopped, i dun think the race will happen too since there was a uprooted fallen tree 100m away from the start line.
this storm was the worst that i have seen in sg
worse than the orchard road flood
i guess, too many developments have been going on
rmb the post where i wrote where trees are being cut down?
sigh, i guess, we must love our environment
its scary to be in this kind of weather.
i worry for my helpers if they can get to the event site safely
the rain in sg is getting worse.

school is opening soon!
yay!

am i unreasonable?

2010-07-16T00:50:00.002+08:00

i saw you ytd, and it made me happy for so long
finally, i am able to smile at you after so long..
and what made things even better was, u smiled back.
it was an unexpected coincidence but a nice one.
and one that can let me truly said that i have let go and moved on.

will saying after sorry after an outburst help?
its just like after hurting someone and then just saying u dun mean it rite?
or rather, like smth tt i once did
i made my friend angry and just blamed it on pms?
just giving the excuse that its an outburst and i am supposed to accept it?
what about the hurtful things that u said?
did u ever truly think about what u were sorry for??
maybe give me a night to slp and i will be all right
i am not petty, someone else is
and worse, i have given him the right to be petty

moodless

2010-07-12T11:14:00.002+08:00

i am in office now..
reached at 10 when i am supposed to reach at 930
and totally in no mood to work.. i dunno why..
serious bout of monday blues..
just hope that today can be over and done with!
6pm faster come ok???
i love 6pm!!
dun be surprised if u see more than one posts today.. haha

anw, i hope to have my last day of work on 23 Jul
these few weeks is enough for me to learn not just about handling events, but also the way to treat ppl..
isnt it ridiculous that ppl who have not even interact with you can dislike you?
yeah.. but thats what happens
the end of work would also mean that school is starting soon..
but i am grateful that school is starting..
perhaps the break has been too long and too many things have happened within this span of 3mths.

the storm is over, and hopefully i can see the sunshine
its tough, i know and it will need alot of effort..
but i will try.. so that nth disastrous happens again..
alot of compromise must be made
and i must learn to know which battle to fight and which to give up.

hope everyone will have a lovely week today
i hope i will too.. cos i foresee alot of meet up with friends!

peace before a storm

2010-07-09T00:14:00.002+08:00

hello everyone
hello nuggets, hello wenqi
it has been a few days since i blogged
have been busy with work esp
alot of grumbles abt work
alot of complaints
but no choice, life continues

germany is out of world cup!!!
damm sad can..
shall stop dwelling on it

these few days alot of thoughts ran through my mind
alot of things, ppl will only start to treasure it when they have lost it
when they have it, they always take it for granted.
its human nature i guess
its only when we realise how impt it is to us, then we will make an effort to ensure that things remain the way it is

finally bought my adidas jacket
and i bought 2 tops today too
and a shirt and pants from adidas
suddenly in love with adidas
why?
cos adidas is ger apparel sponsor!!! -.-
no la.. their design and quality is good

nuggets, i have registered for northface with my bff
u go register too ok??!!
our team name is 25km AGAIN
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

back for a daily dose

2010-07-05T00:03:00.003+08:00

i havent been here for a long time
and now i am back for an update
thanks to chicken nuggets and wq who always comes to my blog
gives me the motivation to continue jotting down episodes of my life here so that i can still have a place to rmb all the silly things that i did when i am old.. haha..

anw, part of me missing in action is due to the fact that world cup is in full action!!!!!!!!
and GERMANY have not failed me!!!!
i have supported them for 8years alr!!!!
and no one can deny that they are playing well; with or without the octopus's prediction!

family wise, things have not been getting any better
my mum and i are still not talking
even more not so esp after what she has done to me on my bday
sometimes its so hard to forgive
its not that i do not want to
but i cant, i really cant
so i have been staying out and returning late

work wise, lets just say that working is not easy
i have heard my fair share
and i am glad for the ppl that i have known there
they take care of me and though its a little far
i am really grateful for the job and the fun

and the girls and boys in zhenghua sec really made my day
i really feel like they are like my little sisters that if given the chance, i would definitely treat my sisters that way.. but someday maybe
but its only for one younger sister, not 2..

i see reality more clearly

2010-06-29T00:45:00.002+08:00

this year's birthday has been quiet, too quiet to be believable
how can mok aixia, such a fun-loving and loud girl' lead such a quiet birthday esp when its her 21st?
the year that was supposed to mark the start of adulthood, was ironically the year when everything broke and everything that seemed so real. seemed so distant
i have never wished for a grand celebration
all i ever wanted like i have always iterated, was a simple dinner with my family
simply because its been a long time since i have eaten a dinner with my family
but well, it seems that the simplest things are always th hardest to acheive
family relationships have to break down of all mths, in th mth of june
my mum and i are still not talking
and i dun have the energy to even worry abt celebration cos of whats happening in the home and outside of home
i treasure time with my friends
i treasure all of my friends
but sometimes all it takes is a simple action of my end to see if its mutual
this year, i have not really asked anyone to celebrate my bday
and this time, its clear as water
when friends who have known you for years and you have been so close to, whom you thought u had a connection with, totally is oblivious to ur bday
when someone you love do not even bother
but ppl whom you have not always met, ppl whom you may not even have met for years
they are the ones that asked you out, this are the ppl that put you in their hearts.
this are the ppl that makes you realise that, someone out there still cares
i know that there are close friends around me who are truly concerned and treats me like a princess
but i am still hurting, deep inside
reality hurts, really.
if i can turn back time, i dun even know when do i wna go back to.

my royal family

2010-06-26T15:58:00.006+08:00

had a great time ytd
these bunch of ppl celebrated my bday for the second consecutive year
the gratefulness and appreciation that i have towards them as my friends is undescribeable
they have always been there for me, treating me like a princess
and to them, i am really their princess
they really dote on me alot

went dinner with them at waraku central
was supposed to go attica but instead bin surprised me with a surprise event ticket to zouk
i was so lost for words
i was so super touched tat i stun for very long
i cant believe that bin will do this for me
and him and cy sacrificed his wc t acc me for my bday
i am really very touched
yes, its this bunch of friends that let me know that guys can be caring, sweet and meticulous too
happy birthday to myself

my last words

2010-06-13T14:14:00.002+08:00

i really do not know how to start
many things to say but i dunno how to open my mouth, or rather open my heart.
i am really very upset
these few days has been so excruciating that i have been using cc's work to distract myself
but when everything ends and i am alone, everything gets to me
i have nowhere to vent all these pent up emotions
i just need a place to really cry
it is really rare now that i can have the whole house to myself
i went to help out at the north west junior run today and by th time that i am back, the house was empty.
today is my sis's bday, they must have went out to celebrate
but i dunno where they are
all these things that have been happening makes me dun wna celebrate my bday anymore
the day that i have been anticipating for so long is going to end in sadness
friends who have been there for me, i really thank you from the bottom of my heart
i cannot trust anyone now; my self defense mechanism is at its peak
so i am not going to write here anymore
i really do not bear to give this space up
but, i have no choice
when i have recovered, maybe i will be back
but now, i will only trust those ppl that i think are worthy of my trust
and not abandon me
what i can truly say is i have been hurt real bad
it will really take time to forgive, to trust and love

someone help me

2010-06-10T15:16:00.001+08:00

today was the worst day of my life
a day tt would determine whether i can get thru it or ruin everything
not just ruin myself but also ruin a person tt i once loved
as i am posting this, i am trembling
i am terrified, i am helpless and i dunno what to do
i havent had this feeling for a long time

sometimes love just aint enough

2010-06-06T00:36:00.004+08:00

hi all, i know i have been neglecting this place
but then i have been busy
esp today, doing so much cc stuff
i cant think of anything other than that..
but then its time well spent with friends

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

-will update later i promise

自信がある？

2010-06-01T02:40:00.002+08:00

reality is always cruel, always scary
but despite all this, i am calm even though i am battling thousands of fears.
maybe is cos i have woken up, i have moved on
that we were not meant to be.
i gave myself too much excuses
i can lie to everyone but not myself.
you were part of such good times, such happy moments
but you were also the cause of my hurt, my insecurities
the insecurities that will stay with me for life; all these which you will not understand
but now i have really woken up
when there is this moment of clarity that lands you right in the middle of the truth
facing it is the hardest thing to do.
its not because i got no choice, but because i have acknowledged that nothing will come out from the both of us
we are too different, and we know it
deep down, too much differences that cant be compromised upon.
its not like TV dramas where they say that you can wear mini skirts for me and i can wear western suits for you.
its far more complicated, far less romanticised than that.
last time i used to say liking for each other is not everything
now i will say that being together does not equate to everything.
so lets allow everything to go back to how it was without you in my life and me in yours.

ACCOMPLISHED!!!!

2010-05-31T01:24:00.002+08:00

I FINISHED MY SUNDOWN MARATHON!
I GOT THE FIINISHER SHIRT AND MEDAL!

i am a happy girl once i crossed the finishing line today
tired but still, all was worth it except that the finisher shirt did not have my size anymore..haha
but its all right
this race has gotta be one of the most tiring one; maybe cos its held at night
and the lack of slp really got to me
the slp bug kept bugging me la.. irritating
the route was well, flat.
i should be thankful that there are no bridges like last year
but then seriously ecp is a killer
i really hate ecp
no doubt it is a great place for dating but for running, not for me
i always have this feeling of dread and being trapped when i am in there
dunno when i will be able to conquer this dumb place..

sidenote, i suddenly feel very blessed to have friends who take care of me when i am going for runs..
always look after my well-being and concerned if i am all right
help me take things, drive me there and back, joke with me, wait for me..
thats why i love them cos i know i can count on them!
although they never fail to make fun of me but i know they are proud of me too!
thanks my dear beloved mr yap for the girls talk =p, my dear beloved chairman and chasel tan!

ACCOMPANYING the sunrise

2010-05-29T21:39:00.002+08:00

YESSSSSS, i wont be beating the sunrise but will be accompanying it..haha
maybe beating it will be my goal next year
or for stanchart, finishing before 12noon
cos last year i finished at 1pm..
i am quite excited though i know it will be quite cui..
yup, this will be last post before i leave for sundown!
adrenaline rushing thru me but i everything also HAVENT get ready yet
its 940 now and chasel is supposed to come at 10.. lollll
hope there is parking later!
for the finisher shirt and medal, here i come
cheers to my 1st sundown and my 2 marathon, when some are still a marathon virgin
mr yap, u know what i mean =p

good relaxing friday

2010-05-29T01:18:00.004+08:00

was supposed to get my fuel belt today at novena velocity but then couldnt find the colour tt i liked
so was wondering if i should go to boon tat street before my sundown but its so farrrr awayyyyy
i am sooooo lazyyyyyyy
someone drive me there pls?? hahahaha
i just want the pink one.....

so not prepared for sundown
so gonna die later
rmb to sms me to encourage me all right??
cant believe i am sacrificing my slp for 42km
seriously, whats wrong with me??
and i am so not getting any skinnier too..
but i guess its for the fitness and my legs.. heheheh
and its for the love of the feelings AFTER the runs
even though i know i will face dropping nails and walk like a duck
but oh well, its so worth it..
just that i really understood the meaning of what it means if your heart is not into smth, then u wont feel like it
i will finish the race for the finisher shirt and medal..hahaha..
after that, AHM and STAN CHART HERE I COME!!!
and NORTH FACE TOO!

一个普天同庆的日子

2010-05-24T17:10:00.002+08:00

hello everybody
i know this blog is rotting cos i dun have internet at home cos i just shifted and my beloved lappy crashed ): ):
so sad rite?? lappy for bday present??
lolllll.. just kiddingggggggg
i much rather prefer perfume or watches
just saw a fcuk watch tt i quite like
will pester my parents from 1june onwards.. haha..

celebrated elina and choryong's bday on sat
ate korean food and went to club at attica
that place was so fun can!!!
and coincidentally, it was attica's 6th birday too!
so there was a costume party, of course we didnt dress up in costumes
but th ppl who dress up was so cool la~
and i found my pole =p
but too bad, didnt get his number in th end
so now what to do for my bday?
after eat le do what??
of course, i would very much like to go club but then dun think the guys wna go cos they not chiongsters at all.. haha
what to do??!!!
june is coming!
i love june!

did u ever know that you are my hero

2010-05-19T11:51:00.002+08:00

hows life for everyone?
other than being sick. i have been busy with new house
yes, i have moved, packed and settled into my new hse
and i am blogging from my new hse!

june is coming soon!!!
the much awaited june!!!!
oh, and i am in love now with Ralph Lauren's Romance and Flora by Gucci
they are perfume by the way
*hints hints*
HAHAHAHA

i am back

2010-05-15T04:48:00.003+08:00

hey ppl.. i am backkkkkkkkk
miss me??? i know u did.. hahaha
these few days have been in taiwan and making FULL use of my chinese
but when i am back, mycom still have not recovered from its crash
guess i will just have to wait

bought quite a number of things as our main aim was to shop
taiwan has too many places to go and too many things to eat
and the cars there really is no law one, more no law than sg
super complicated and messy but luckily we still could make our way back

some irritating things to talk abt
th baggage ppl didnt handle my luggage properly even though it had a super big FRAGILE HANDLE WITH CARE sticker pasted on it
in the end, one of th glass bottles broke and leaked into th entire baggage
which made me had to clean up till now which is like 5am in th morning
and on top of that, i am moving hse in a few hrs time
yes, to my new hse, so practically, my slp is useless cos i only have like less than 3hrs

anyway, i need to ask for help
DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO USE THE NIKE SPORTBAND??
MR YAP, DO U KNOW AT LEAST HOW TO CHARGE IT??
I CANT GET IT WORKING AND I AM DESPERATE FOR HELP COS I WANT TO USE IT!!
I BOUGHT IT IN TAIWAN AND THEN THE MANUAL DOES NOT REALLY HELP AT ALL!
HELP HELP HELP HELP!
SOME KIND SOUL PLEASE??

笑不出来

2010-05-08T21:06:00.003+08:00

记不记得我说过如果不开心时候才会用华语写部落格？

现在我的心情真的是跌到谷底

没有一点的夸张。

台湾，我或许是去不了了。

很伤心。

朋友和家人；两边都要我选

在我心里，从来都没有谁比谁重要

可是，一旦有事情发生时，

在家里我立刻变成连垃圾都比我有价值的东西

我很想去，可是家里的人反对

想推掉朋友，可是因为种种因素所以一定得去

到最后我没有一天过得平静

妈妈的指责还有不顾感受的拼命的责骂

这些都不是我要的

我从来就没有想要吵架

你们要命的骂，我已经尽量的不反击

我从来都没有想比较

可是你们偏偏要我选

没有自由我已经很痛苦了

为什么还要这样逼我？

难道有自己的想法是错的？

我不是你们的傀儡，不是你们的狗。

当你们拼命的在骂的时候，对你们来说是在出气

把我当成是出气筒。

可是你们有想过我的感受吗？

不回应不代表我同意你们所骂的。

我只是不想吵了又吵

我只是想两边都做到最好，不行吗？

你们让我觉得很想死。

让我认为死会解决现在所有的问题和不愉快。

我真的没有再开玩笑。

你们每一个人都有对我的要求。

但抱歉，我真的做不到。

communication barrier

2010-05-08T13:01:00.002+08:00

perhaps mr yap is rite, u need contextual knowledge to understand my blog

if not u will never know who i am referring to

and maybe this does not just apply to my blog

i think, u need contextual knowledge to know me

to know why i do certain things

how i feel abt certain things

i know, i have gone way out of my parent's expectations

in a bad way

they have their idea of whats good for me and apparently, i have my own idea of what is good for myself

things have gotten bad, real bad

i dun wna be a puppet

i am not my sisters; dun compare me to them cos i never wna be them

i dunno how to explain myself anymore when speaking means i am talking back and not speaking means i am giving attitude

i dun want to start a quarrel so stop blaming it on me

fatigue

2010-05-08T00:45:00.002+08:00

updates: watched ipman2 with shelley then dinner at tampopo

it was good..

bought a dress i really like at f21 today

th dress sizzles, well, the person wearing it too.. hahaha

leaving for tw this sunday

flight is at 1220pm and we will reach tw at around 5plus close to 6..

have heard th schedule from xav

and it sounds not bad

anw, i think i am having too much stress though exams is over

pimples popping out~ so ugly!

hope this getaway will do me some good

i didnt really tell anybody abt this trip

but basically i will be going tw with xav bird and tanner for a week

will come back on fri nite

just hope tt everything will be fine btw everyone else

pump it; the exams are over!

2010-05-06T04:03:00.002+08:00

its 404am now

guess why i am still awake?

yup, went to club with elina, bin and his friends at zouk

wat turned out to be a pure and innocent dinner at kfc turned to a night of club and dance!

his friend came back from japan and wanted to club so we followed as well.. haha

it was mambo night so there was alot of classic songs

but it was fun, real good fun

i realise tt there is more mood to dance on th dancefloor

well, its called the dancefloor for a reason stupid me

goodbye world, will tell u abt tmrw after it has been over

annoyed

2010-05-02T09:58:00.003+08:00

a post before i study my japanese

destressed with band hero last night.. haha

i might be asking my parents to get it for me for my bday!

then everyone can play it also..

anw, talked to my friend's sister on the phone ytd for around 2hrs

yes, i know now is exam period and maybe i shouldnt be doing such things now

but then, its impt to let her know some things so that she can be informed esp now that she is in such a far country

just tt i did not know if my phone bill will explode

i guess, other than me, there is no one that she can turn to

i just do not know if i have done the right thing

but someone said i did so i really do not know

i did not go for th PA run not because i did not want to

but that day has to celebrate efoo and cy tan cy's bday

i just hope that me giving up the run will be worth it

cos seriously, i dun wish not to go for that run at all

i know we have started to meet up again

well, not as frequently as last time though

i have been going there more often cos of studying

and seriously, i dun like ur attitude when i say tt i am going mac to study instead of ur hse

i mean, why must i go ur hse??

then u just walk away after saying bye?

i never said that i wanted to go ur hse in the first place cos i know that things will happen

its tried and tested and i never want to try again

and doesnt it hit u when i am so hesitant in going ur hse?

if i am all right with it, i wont even have to wait for you to ask me

i will suggest it.

i dun dare to tell bin cos cfm he will scold me again

he told me specifically that he will be angry like someone else did

serve me right.

lips of an angel - hinder

2010-05-02T09:54:00.002+08:00

Honey why you calling me so late

It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Let her die never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Let her die never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful

infatuation

2010-05-01T01:42:00.002+08:00

i saw you for the second time in 2 days

i was as shocked as you were too

as i looked at u from the outside and u from th inside

there was a feeling of glee, knowing that we both caught each other's attention

my friends urged me to talk to you if i have a chance

its a rare opportunity they say; one tt might even help me to find love

but i guess i will never have the courage though if u talked to me first most prob i would respond

i guess its just another infatuation and i will get over it

went to have dinner with efoo, cy tan cy and ctan at vivo today

had a talk at some coffee chain and tried to advise efoo again

like i said, no one can help her except herself.

my sister did smth that made me angry today

she peeped into my schedule book and even dare to question me abt wat was written inside

no respect at all.

my wonderful laptop has risen from the ashes again

in case u did not know, my laptopcrashed suddenly about 2 weeks ago

think it surrended to karoshi cos of my overnight working on my philo paper which i got a C for

sad i know

anw, karoshi = japanese term for death caused by overwork..

and with my laptop recovered, this means that i can catch up on my csi miami's episodes!!

i am behind by 2 eps! wna see all the action that i missed out! =p

cy tan cy is right, the attractiveness of a person is dependent on how he or she feels inside, as in deep down

an emotional wreck will never be appealing or look attractive because the core is not there

a lesson for me to learn and understand and i am sure others as well.

little of your time

2010-04-29T21:27:00.002+08:00

have been studying for js2222 like for the entire day..
cant wait to finish with th exams
made choryong angry and lucky, managed to talk him around
i guess, i have a flair for talking =p
bin is protective of me as a friend
of course, i understand where he comes from
i dun blame him..

S stands for surprise ^^

ashes to ashes, dust to dust

2010-04-28T10:14:00.004+08:00

ytd was my greatgrandmother's funeral
went to mandai crematorium for the first time
i guess the crematorium triefd their best at making the place as tranquil and peaceful as much as possible
i suppose to a certain extent, it did work
if it was not a crematorium, th things there would really have been pretty
but even the things there had a tinge of sadness in it
i guess, death really gets to ppl alot
my friend asked if it was traumatising for me
i thought it wasnt, or so i thought
but there are just some ppl like my friend here who can see through me like a transparency
they know when i am telling a lie or just pretending to be strong
the funeral itself was traumatising, cos i faced death straight in the face
i convinced myself not to be afraid, that death is part and parcel of life
but late into ytd night, i cannot get the image of everyone standing around the coffin when the priest was chanting the last prayers out of my head
each time i close my eyes, the image of everyone standing around the coffin will come to mind
the yellow tent, the brown coffin, everyone in their mourning clothes, friends and relatives who came to the funeral.
my feet was shaking i could still remember but i have to be strong cos my young cousin still needed me to take care of her
the coffin being pushed into the furnace, seeing the fire consuming the coffin
i didnt dare to go with them to collect the ashes, i dun want to be reminded that death had just came and gone
i know there will be more wakes to go in the future, but it hurts and pains me to know that the person which was part of ur life had lived their part on Earth and now u can only see them from the coffin
the last mins of ur life, how does it feel?
isit only at tt time u realise how much regrets u have or u want nth else more than death?

no, not going to happen at all

2010-04-25T13:19:00.003+08:00

i just finished studying for one part of my paper tmrw.
will be studying again after posting this.
this few days have been at the wake and as such, have trouble studying
and as u know, i am not one now that can go sleepless nights
so have tyo chiong now basically
the cremation will be done on tues
ytd have been quite ok cos my cousins have been accompanying me
can u believe the amount of questions that they can ask when they are only 8years old?
grounded strongly in their catholic (i think) faith, they were very perplexed by the practises of a Buddhist funeral and kept asking me questions abt it
i am glad that they kept sticking to me cos usu i dun have such affinity with children.. haha
kids; they really do make things lighter and i didnt feel irritated abt having to answer their questions
i guess, it will be a totally different thing if it was my children
but at least, they make my time at the wake easier to pass

on the other hand, talking abt personal matters
i dunno if u will be reading this, maybe u are, maybe you aren't
but i have really thought abt it, as in seriously thought abt it
(i just deleted a whole chunk of what i thought i wanted to say)
dun expect too much from me.
i have always believed that guys and girls can be purely as friends
i think i should not say more as i think it would hurt more
i believe that u should be able to understand what i mean

i think i am gna get another lecture from u again >.<
but dun worry, i understand where u are coming from
its for my good..

am i normal?

2010-04-23T09:57:00.002+08:00

today, my great grandmother died
the doc really predicted correctly that she only have max 3mths to live
mum told me the news when i was on the bus to sch today
no doubt i was shocked, but other than the little comfort that she is rid of all the sicknesses that were bugging her
i am not sure if i am feeling less than what i should
u know, all those sadness. tears, what u are supposed to feel
to be honest, the wake may be too much for me
maybe cos it will really drive in the fact then that none of my grand parents are around anymore.
i am afraid of facing death like straight in the face
i haven been seeing my great grand mother for like months?
i dun even rmb if i have seen her during cny
i just feel very distant from her.
i know tt death is supposed to bring us close for that final time before she is gone forever
but then, i really dunno..
am i heartless or cruel?
am i normal??